Blindsided: Violence Has Many Faces

April 12, 2009

Blindsided: Violence Has Many Faces

Growing up, my grandpa taught me that a man will not destroy something that he says he loves.  However, as I became older, the story immediately changed in my social circle. When close friends or a family member experienced domestic violence, the words were always, “that’s graveyard love! He must really love her if he beats her.” That statement led me to this question…Is there a co-relation between violence and love? If so, what; how did we get there? Is the pre-requisite for love called violence? I don’t think so! What I do know is…violence has many faces. Violence manifests itself verbally, physically and sexually and each face of violence is hurtful and it never resembles love.

In my first encounter with verbal abuse as a youngster, my defense was, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” That was how I fought back. Sounds familiar huh? Well, sticks and stones can break your bones and words can really hurt you. Words can wound, break spirits, annihilate character and actually suck the life out of you if you stay too long (in that relationship). That is the goal of verbal violence to hurt you.

What is violence? Violence is any physical, psychological or sexual maltreatment of a person. The act of violence consists of victims (person being violated), perpetrators (person inflicting maltreatment) and children (unattended victims). The response of the victim reminds of the lyrics to an old song. It says, “Smiling faces sometimes tell lies. “ Oh what great lengths we go to hide and cover up the hurt. Is it because the victims blame themselves or is it shame? Or is our interpretation of love called destruction?

Can you imagine going out and buying a beautiful new car and then taking a sludge hammer and beating the hell out it…neither can I? It seems, when abusers cannot manage their mates with insults (verbal abuse), physical control becomes a priority. The physical face of violence is…force and pain. It is manifested through kicking, slapping, punching, throwing things, hiding items that belongs to the victim, emotional blackmail, hitting and usually leaving bumps and bruises on them. Although bumps and bruises heal, the long term effect can be possibly devastating. It is all predicated on the extent of the violence. The victim can possibly end up with an array of health challenges particularly Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI); and if children are involved, the lesson on managing your spouse can create an ongoing cyclic phase of violence.

Children learn what they live. They are usually the unattended victim. Many grow up becoming adults without treatment, counseling or education about how violence perpetuates violence. They function or dysfuction a lifetime with a woulnded whild within. Transitioning from victim to abuser. Their mates often say, I never saw it coming.

The sexual face of violence occurs when the victim is subjected to unwanted sex, unsafe, degrading sexual activity. The sex is forced! The victim is devalued and has no voice in whether or not they want to participate in the sexual act. The abusers take what they want, when and how they want it. In some instances, sex is the expectation after a “good fight.” Victims and abusers seem to believe that sex is better after a fight. Sometimes, fighting is staged and/or provoked in anticipation of “good sex.”  
In all actuality, emotions are heightened after any traumatic experience (natural disaster, abuse, etc). Relieve is what many seek; albeit DAWGS (drugs, alcohol, women, gambling and sex). The goal is to eliminate the pain. Using sex as a comforter to sooth the pain to heal abuse is not a wise choice. Keep in mind, any form of abuse is in violation of you as a person.

Many of us have unexpectedly experienced one face of violence or another; if not firsthand, we have experienced violence through a friend or family member. However, the important thing to remember is, do not embrace violence and know that there is help available. The Domestic Violence Hotline’s telephone number is 1-800-787-3224.Collectively, we should be vigilant about being safe and keeping our children safe.

Graveyard love? GRAVEyard love is exactly what it sounds like. It is hurtful! It can bury you alive if you remain in it or kill you dead! There is no wholesome correlation between violence and love. Verbal, physical and sexual abuse hurts! Love is kind, patient and makes you feel good about you. 

Deidra C. Thomas-Murray, MSW, LMSW